easy like sunday morning

I have decided to quit my corporate type job where I am nothing more than a glorified toe rag. In the next couple of months I am going to be the best damn lotus eater there is....turn's out mid life crisis's come earlier than they used:)

Will try my darndest to update you guys on the adventures that follow!

Personal Ad....

I am now in the market for new boyfriend. Have decided to put down a list of must have's that any potential candidate must posses in order to apply for said position:

- Must be 27 years old atleast..no younger men..sorry
-Must have atleast 3 written reccomendation letters from women that once dated him. Very important. It can't be friends they always say nice things however big an asshole the guy is.
- Must be considered attractive by my appointed jury
- Has to have watched atleast 10 foreign films in his lifetime
- Should have travelled to atleast a few country's or studied abroad...to make sure that he doesn't have a needlepoint perception of the world and women
- Should never have dated a model and shouldn't ever want to
- Must NEVER use the following phrases " I'm not in a relationship place right now", "I'm not as emotionally involved as you are", " I'm not looking for anything serious right now". Who are you fooling boys? we ALL know exactly what that means.
- Should like pinky and the brain, calvin and hobbes and the simpsons. Should have seen the usual suspects, fight club, high fidelity and being cyrus and liked them.
-Cannot on any account at any point in time in any circumstances call me "his bitch/hoe/chick/girl"
- Cannot be a virgin

Hmmmm....I think this ad just explained why i'm single!...sigh....

I get sick when i'm around...

Is it just me or does everyone have a violent almost cellular reaction to some people?...you know the type that lodges themselves under your skin and proceed to jump around a good deal?...uggh!! just the fact that this person breathes annoys you and you spend some free moments fantasising of ways to inflict pain on this person. Harsh I know...but I never was a contender for Miss Congeniality:)

Popular psych theories state that you dislike someone because they have traits that you inherently posses and aren't at peace with and blah di blah di blah. Screw that! I'm a veritable angel in comparison to said plonker who I think should be stripped naked and paraded around the town square so everyone can laugh at his little willy.

Whew! I feel better now:) the benefits of a good rant are highly under rated.

Things to do...

- Have one moment of stillness....no noise...no voices in my head or outside of it....just breathe and be..
- Sing...loudly...easily...with all my soul..like it was meant to be..instead of chiming in sweetly and quietly at the chorus
- Trust that it'll be ok....because...it just will
- Re learn how to play Mario brothers...damn can't believe i can't seem to play it
-Run....i-pod on...on lovely clean track...cute outfit...like a sports shoe commercial..
-Walk tall...head held high...look people in the eye
- Let go....of something, anything, everything....
-Go scuba diving
-Smoke 3 ciggarettes a day. Thats it. Not one more not one less.
-Take care of my feet
- Smile more
-cry....tears of joy...tears of sorrow...tears of hope
-Write more
- Eat more fruits
-Read more
-Dance
-Learn to play Tennis
-Smoke a cigar...whisky in hand...wearing a top hat and a bow tie

Not waiting for a magical love to transform my life..

It's an odd thing to wake up one day and realise that the chances of you becoming an astronaut, a film star or a UN diplomat are so slim they're non existent.

The realisation that the universe is not a benevolent place where justice will be done and what goes around will come around...not in your life time.

That bad things happen to good people.

Sometimes love doesn't conquer all...sometimes it doesn't even put up a fight.

When did growing up mean surrendering all hope to the alter of the "real world?"....

Well "real world" and all it's practical inhabitants hear me roar...." You can take my soul but you can take my irrepressible, irrational, inexplicable hope-dom!"......couldn't find something that rhymed with freedom:)

Things I should want... but don't.....

Children- I guess i'm a late bloomer in that sense...my biological clock is niether ticking nor tocking. It seems content to sit silently and watch all the mothers I know in barely masked horror.
Millions- Money is sorta over rated after a point isn't it? I have really simple needs..food, smokes, the occaisional martini and clothes...oh yeah petrol.
Husband-I quite like love, men and relationships. A husband...im not so sure. Seems like a scary grown up man telling me to "behave yourself young lady" in a stern sorta superior voice...boy am i a shrinks delight!
Nice house- eh! sure....can't see myself picking out china, drapes and yelling at parvathamma the annoying maid all day long. When I sometimes look longingly at rattan furniture i quickly look at the price and run like meep meep the road runner. Who spends 80,000/- on a table???!
Best friend- What would be the fun in that? I'm so many different people battling so many different things I could never really claim any one person knows me the best. I like lots of equations with lots of people.

Tbbpthhh.....

Apple martini's and accents...

I know i've been really bad about posts lately...just innundated with work and absolutely no time to breathe!

In the middle of this otherwise hectic work filled week I went out last night. My friend Poz threw a party at Opus which was choked to the gills with page 3 people all air kissing and being seen. Since I also air kiss thats not up for scrutiny. The highlight of the evening was Gina making me her world famous in Bangalore Apple Martini....for the uninitiated this is the most brilliant tasting drink ever...really! If you're ever at Opus ask for one:)

This utterly delightful girl I met came with me to above mentioned shindig. Her boyfriend joined us and we wound up at a friends house. Boyfriend of delightful girl then proceeded to make me feel like crap for not being "desi" enough. Meaning I can't pick Amol Palekar out of a line up or sing a Geeta Dutt song.

That annoyed the hell out of me. Just who define's desi-ness?

Men!

I really don't get men. Thats a decided handicap. My 2007 resolution is to figure them out.

Weddings....

I went to a friends wedding ....someone i've known growing up....we've discussed boys....kissing techniques...clothes....life...
when I saw her standing on the stage decorated with flowers...all dressed up in saree and lots of beautiful jewellery talking to me with so much confidence and her heart swelling with pride...In that one momentI felt like such a .....child

la la la la la feeling groovy....

Ever have one of those days when you're stressed out of your head but you seem to float through it with a zen like calm?...a bizarre sense of stillness takes over you and everything around you is like a snazzily edited music video....colours,voices, smells whizz past you and the only thing in your head is some totally inappropriate song?

yeah...la la la la la feeling groovy...

Beauty ...The Beast...

For atleast 17 of my 27 years i've had several conversations with diverse groups of people on the subject of attractiveness. What makes someone attractive?Do attractive people get better jobs/boys/girls/money etc.. . Since I'm a woman I have to admit I end up dissecting another woman's claim to good looks far more than I would a man's. Stuff like "she's ok...nice skin ...good hair...but needs to knock off ten pounds" we all do it. All the time. As im becoming more a "grown up" than i've ever been it really affects me ...this issue of attractiveness and what it supposedly does or doesn't do for you.

I am considered attractive ( ascertained by a highly unscientific poll of men I know:)). As a fairly intelligent woman it upsets me greatly that I care if people think I look good. A friend of mine(Blinky) pointed out, highly amused, that I'd much rather have people think I'm and idiot than have people think i'm ugly. True.

I spent an entire day after that conversation wondering how I could be so shallow. Did I really value my attractiveness over my intelligence? The answer is I don't. I'm more likely to contest a woman's claim to intelligence because thats what I value more about myself.

Thats when it struck me....to women good looks is power. In a sick twisted way it's currency. The prettier you are the easier your life is is the perception amongst most people. Women will view another woman who may be more attractive with suspiscion ...much the same way a rich powerful man views a richer more powerful man. It doesn't seem to matter that as women we've worked so hard for so long to be viewed as so much more than pretty young things.... we still seem to subscribe to the age old stereotype that beauty is to be valued. Highly.

My uber feminist friends tell me that we value beauty so much because men constantly judge us on what we look like. At the risk of seriously pissing some of my friends off, I don't think thats fair to men at all. I know several men that have graciously patted bimbettes that have come their way on the head (ok....mostly on the ass) and opted for women that have some serious IQ's. I refuse to believe that men are the root cause of this one!

Which brings me back to the beauty=power theory. See, I think beautiful women learn very early on how to manipulate the world into giving them whatever they want without much effort. That's just it. It's not like you can't work...earn money and THEN buy whatever it is your heart desires...hell millions of men do exactly that! It's just that pretty women quickly figure "screw that...i'll just let my abundant cuteness do the work instead. The world owes me coz im just so darn pretty".

The crappy thing is it works. Look at models! Who the hell gets paid millions just 'coz they happen to have great DNA!

Blinky, i'd like to change my answer. I'd rather the world think Im ugly than have them think i'm and idiot.

Lists....

My favourite books...one's that i read atleast once a year...like i'm visiting an old friend..
- Algebra of Infinite Justice by Arundhati Roy because I sometimes forget what a complex,scary, issues filled world I live in and that i ought to do my bit to change things around me.
- Memoirs of a Giesha by Arthur Golden because Japan fascinates me and as soon as I save some money im spending a year travelling all over that country armed with a hello kitty backpack filled with jasmine tea:)
-Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen because some part of me believes that I should have been born in age where people dressed for dinner and sighed from a distance and fell in love forever with noblemen.
-The Jeeves and Wooster series by P.G. Woodehouse because no one does funny like Woodehouse and no one ever will.
-The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck because I love analyzing unsuspecting victims...Muahahahaha:)

My favourite hotties.....my tastes in men change like the seasons but some have stayed on my list from the time I was 16....Brava hotties! Take a bow:)
-Pierce Brosnan...two words...Remmington Steel :)
-Gael Garcia Bernal because he played Che Guevara in Motorcycle Diaries
- Hugh Laurie in House M.D. because I have a soft spot for brilliant, emotionally unavailable, sarcastic men...sigh...
-Jakob Dylan...who knew Bob Dylan could have created that??
-Shashi Tharoor....because he's what I think the world should see Indians as. Smart, articulate and cute in an offbeat way:)

See? I can write shiny happy stuff:)

Sick and surly

Visiting relatives from Chennai have helpfully gifted me the flu. Complete with sore throat,fever and sinus headache which has made me very very cranky. It's strange to me how I seem to handle bigger ailments with equanimity...dignity even but when I get a cold im a snarling, nasty monster.
Im channeling all my snarliness into a makeshift soapbox on which I will stand and scream (ok whisper) and rant and rave about things that are pissing me off currently.

- The way the media carries stories of handicapped people. Saw this thing on TV where this man has started an organisation for blind people to meet and get married. Honourable is what the news reporter tried to paint it as. Really???? Blind people, deaf people, lame people are...hold your breath now....PEOPLE. Why do we marginalize them to such an extent that we think that they should stick with their own kind? so we can pat ourselves on the back for magnanimously helping them? I really want to know if the marriage bereau guy who is not blind is married to a blind person? That is true acceptance.
There's a very small NGO here in Bangalore called 'Margadashi' that is run by three women afflicted by polio. They help provide vocational education and life partners for similarly afflicted women. "Real lives in the Real world." When are we going to start seeing Indian versions of Lance Armstrong? Hero's that are as mainstream as Shah Rukh Khan? That can sell you a car, be loaded and get the pretty girl/boy in the end?

-A Peepal tree planted by a Bhramin in Tamil Nadu married a Neem tree in an elaborate wedding ceremony yesterday. The Peepal tree is also Bhramin and the blushing bride a Neem tree (apparently female according to a mention in the scriptures) belongs to the same caste. Er...Mazltov?

-86% of Indian men consider fair women more virtuous than dusky women. Interestingly roughly the same numbers consider dusky women more sexually appealing than their fairer counterparts. Thats my latest argument for not putting out to every dweeb i meet. Im also using fair and lovely so in14 days i can become noticeably fairer and ensure a ticket to heaven. Hahaha

-Im 27 and I look about 23 according to everyone I know. This is relevant when I get disapproving stares from aunty/uncle types if im holding a drink or a ciggarette in my hand. Im 27 dammit! I've earned my vices.

-Mango clothes go out of shape after their first wash. Outrageous I tell you considering how bloody expensive they are.

-People come over to visit me or stay in my house and expect me to chain up my dog (see tofu pics in this blog). How dare you? He lives here. You don't. Suck it up! If you're scared of him ( he's a labrador!!!! They're the tamest breed there is) don't come to my house. It had to be said.

I promise my next post will be all sweetness and sunshine...really:)

Why I heart Shilpa Shetty..

Yes Im straight oh ye of too much internet porn. Yes you read the title right. I heart Shilpa Shetty for what she's doing. Not that I for one minute believe that she understands just what a big catalyst she is. I figure her "people" explain it to her thus:

Shilpa's "people"- " Shilpa dahling you look divine"
Shilpa- " ha ha ( giggle, flutter big fake lashes, slap said people in seriously pansy girly way) thanks ya"
Shilpa's "people"- " Dahling, you have contributed immeasurably to change the image of Indians in the UK. They have been forced to reevaluate their little stereotype of every Indian being a cross between Peter Sellers as Hrundi. V. Bakshi and Hank Azaria as Apu in The Simpsons. The whiteys can't see us as green card, citizenship chasing brown skins that call bird food num nums anymore. Brava Shilpa. brava"
Shilpa- " what ya?....you don't like my dress?"
Shilpa's "people"- "Sigh....Shilpa dahling you look divine."

It's easy to knock her down for having greatness thrust upon her and perhaps for not really deserving the attention she's getting. It's much harder to admit that she's done more in a few months than most of us could have in our life times.

As a public service announcement to any Non- Indian that might be reading this (haha how i flatter myself):-

- No we do not want to marry you for your citizenship. Look around..us Indian girls are bright, fabulous looking, well educated, high profile jobs, have servants, drivers and cooks. We're cossetted and spoilt and treated like the Princesses we are. What in your little pea brain makes you think I'd want to give that up and clean your house, not get a job because your country doesn't recognize my degree , give up driver/cook/maid/maali all for the ability to buy Jimmy Choo's? Hahahahaha......good one!
P.S. Jimmy Choo and his papa are coming to India anyway.

On completely unrelated tangent ...ok somewhat related, they share the same initials...
I HATE Suhel Seth. You know that dude who runs some Ad Agency and is an obnoxious talking head on most news channels? Tiny mofo with seriously humungously painful personality. Have never met him but did attend a panel discussion he chaired for the CII ( boss made me go). Throughout he just kept trying to put everyone else down and prop himself up! wanted to go bop him on the head and say "Shut up!Shut UP! SHUT UP! No one wants to hear your voice pompous ass!"

Mixed Breeds...Kuntri's....Mongrels

I read a column in the newspaper today about M.F Hussain living in Dubai because he's under threat from Hindu fundamentalists for painting half naked women. The issue is that he's a Muslim and is therefore making a mockery of the Hindu faith by painting naked hotties....ok....

This made me think.

I'm half Muslim and half Hindu Tamilian Bhramin. Two faiths that have butted heads for atleast as long as i've been alive. A brave thing for my parents to have faced some 30 odd years ago. From the stories i've heard from them their marriage and it's consequences were much like an '80's Bollywood movie. Screaming mother, brother filled with righteous indignation that slapped the heroine( my mommy:)) and disowning from family, community, religion. Hell even their dog's seemed pissed in the photo's!

We grew up, my brother and i, as the black sheep in a snowy white flock where everyone was EITHER Hindu or Muslim. Not both. So we were viewed sceptically through most of our childhoods by both sides of uncles, aunts, cousins and cats. kept at a distance lest we started singing qawali's at diwali or wear bindi's to eid:)

But my family ie. mom,dad, brother and dog have always led a sort melting pot life. It's a house that plays Abida Parveen and M.S. Subhalakshmi equally and often at the same time. My parents were in their 20's in the 70's and we're all "convent" educated so the Beatles and Elvis rang in most New Years while Bing Crosby sang at most Christmases where Santa put things in our stockings( nylon socks with a red bow. Sadly we didn't know what "proper" stockings looked like till satellite TV:))

All my life i've been asked "But what are you?"....for the life of me I don't know. I'm a half Muslim, half Hindu girl with an accent that sounds like the queen regularly pops by my house for tea. I respect and value all my faiths and all my cultural values.

I refuse to tick one box. Pick one side.

So will the Sangh Parivar, The Congress, Akali Dal ...whoever the fuck like to tell me what they plan to do with us half breed kuntri mongrels that don't tick one box and don't feel outraged by M.F. Hussian's paintings? Don't kid yourself powers that be. India and it's citizens are not so easy to slot anymore.

If you want to disown me from my country on account of my half breedness (might happen dude these government types are crazy!) can i name my country Kashvistan?

U2?...Me 2!!

Random disconnected musings and things...

- It's fairly drippy and dull today. Im a water baby. Love it. Swim in it. Drink it. Bathe in it. But the second it starts falling from the sky i HATE it. Rain is just plain nasty. Yes I know it helps countless farmers in our hinterlands, fills lakes , controls temperature blah di blah di blah...still hate it. When i hear these people gush about how romantic it is and how they like to walk around holding hands in it i want to scream. When did it become romantic to wade through muck wedged between your toes amidst honking snarly traffic?

- The Body Shop is in town!!! yay!!! I know it's an old brand and i know it's not as cool as it once was but i love it. Bought their papaya body butter and i smell so yummy it's insane. I heart Body Shop:)

-Unfairly marvelous and much applauded singer sang song for me. Thank you singer:)

- Not big fan of new Classic Milds blue colour packaging. Feels like when you open it an eye make up kit should pop out. Not ciggarettes.

- Favourite cousin throwing fancy BBQ party tom. Happy birthday fave cousin

- Writer of my fave blog (dogforaday) is sick:(...get well soon snoop dog!

ok...thats all.

27 and the living is queasy..

This isn't going to be one of those whiny posts about turning 27....ok it's going to be exactly that. Really can't explain what it's like to wake up one morning and figure out that im three years away from turning 30. Not that there's anything wrong with that mind you..it just serves as a not so gentle reminder that im nowhere near accomplishing the goals?dreams?hopes?wishes? i thought i would have by now. I still live the life of an over indulged 21 year old. Proof's of which are as follows:

- After 5 years of doing PR woke up on a fine April morning and decided i've had just about enough of dickhead CEO's who can't tell their asses from their faces and pompous,lazy, pumped up with self importance journalist that probably learnt how to write from a retarded 3rd grader. So I switched to advertising instead. Lets see how that goes:)
-As a consequence of above mentioned switch i have to forgo ultra fancy salary for money that can only be compared to Mickey Mouse's paycheck at DisneyLand. They might as well pay me in coffee and cuddles...except that the employees of said establishment are so not cuddly.
-Have no roof, wall or shower curtain of my OWN. Am still living off the largess of my incredibly sweet parental unit's. This after several half hearted attempts at living on my own. sigh..
-Only living 27 year old that does not own a credit card. Have never really in all earnest followed up on things of a financial nature. which might explain lack of funds to buy/rent own roof in fancy part of town. Lavelle road will do:)
-Have still not done 3 root canals. This has resulted in many tooth aches and plenty of guilt and an impressive collection of tooth x-rays. Im super at x-rays. Love them...the actual sitting in the chair whilst having tooth poked,prodded and drilled is not my forte. My personal motto seems to be give me dentures or give me death. Not good.
-Do not have serious working woman wardrobe. Always wanted esprit, mango or van heusen manequin look. Instead my wardrobe can still be best described as cutesy.
- This one's the kicker. No man. No love life. Nothing even remotely resembling a relationship. For someone thats always been in relationships/situations/thingies from ages 12 through to 25 it's a tough one to take. It's like the powers that be are sitting on their perch and giggling. Don't get me wrong Im reasonably attractive and intelligent so i meet men all the time...just not one's i'd touch with a barge pole. The script men carry at this point in my life has changed from " i love you; i want to spend the rest of my life with you; i want you to be the father of my sweet brown eyed, curly topped babies." to " I think you're extremely attractive but im not in a relationship place right now ie. i want to sleep with you but not committ; i like to keep things casual ie. i will sleep with you but not committ; I enjoy spending time with you ie. i want to sleep with you but not committ".
Dear Allah, Ganesha, Jesus, Buddha, Zarathustra....what gives?????

Hence I conclude....the living is queasy.

Letting go

Letting go of someone isn't hard for the usual reasons...you'll miss him, he knows all your secrets, you like his cologne etc. Letting go is hard because you can't believe that the other person isn't gutted because you're not in his life any more. It's hard to believe that losing you has not managed to destroy his existence as you know it. So you hang around. Reading subtext into every look, send sms's for fake information requirements, happen to be at old haunts. Desperately hoping for one of two things:
a) he looks at you and a single tear rolls down his cheek..
b) he looks at you falls to his knees and begs to have you back. At which point you pat him on the head and have the inexplicable joy of saying NO!
Having hung around people who've had their hearts stomped on of late i've noticed this in every single case.
Makes you think don't it?

First day on new job...

All first days are singularly insipid. It's the law. You walk into a place where cliques are already clicking, coffees are being drunk and smokes are being smoked. Inevitably you're the little orphan Annie with her nose pushed up against a window looking in hoping to be part of the cosy commaraderie.
Ad agency's are by nature peppered with more inside jokes than your average office. Coupled with a more than healthy love for beer.
Found a sweet enthusiastic vegetrian in the new landscape. Thats akin to finding an Oasis if you're a camel. can i possibly write without mediocre analogies? i think not:)

eh....

Haven't written in a while I know...in my defense im going through a period in my life that can be best described as the 'Eh....'.....nothing exciting...nothing noteworthy just a whole lot of 'Eh..'
so until I have something cool to say..:)

Happy Birthday Poz...

It was the Poz's birthday recently and he wasn't here. He was off on a much deserved holiday. Why am I dedicating a post on my blog to a person's birthday you ask?..good question. The thing is this is no ordinary person's birthday, it's the birthday of the Poz. Who among several other things has:-
- Always been on time for everything
- Will reply to all my messages however inane they are or how busy he is
-makes weird noises that pass off as a language...and they are.
- Is the only person I know that can wear primary colours..all three of 'em at the same time and still look fantastic
- Has hair on his toes..hair in his nose..clown feet and no ass
- Because if im ever crying he's the one i'll call. Everytime.
-Because if im ever laughing he's the one i'll call. Everytime.
-No one else can say smurf..and mean it.
-Pretends to be well read:)
- Will lust for every flavour of the week media generated hottie but if presented with her in the flesh...will probably offer her a ciggi..a ride home...and a pat on the head. Thats it.
-His hair is his art form. Some people paint...some people write...this man gel's.
-You can spring Studio 60...imogen heap...shantaram on him. He gets it. Along with the theory of relativity:)...smart.
-No one tells me im special and wonderful with so much sincerity.
-Is responsible for the death of several generations of chickens and cows.
- Tofu likes him
-Is patient
- Smells nice

Happy Birthday....with more love than there are green M&M's in the world.

Tofu...my dog...

perhaps the cutest thing ever....my dog....Tofu...also referred to as pickle, sneaker, fofi, fof squad, picker, pupperoo.....

How to spot a grade A tosser

It's hard to spot a tosser in a world of non-judgemental, warm and fuzzy acceptance. Here's my guideline for spotting the tosser in the grass..in a bid to make the lines less blurry:)

1)Anyone who in response to the question "what is your favourite book?" says 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho.
2)In a crowded dance floor, the one person that seems drawn into a sensual grind with the speakers...we all know at least one of those.
3)The big fat lout or loutess who thinks that sheer girth gives them the right to cut a que
4)The people that stomp on you but think it's ok because they were honest about it.
5) Every clown that insists on requesting,singing, playing the following songs should the chance present itself:
a- Summer of 69
b- Hotel California
c- I Will Always Love You
6) An individual who in response to the question "what is your favourite movie?" says 'Titanic'

Thats all I could come up with at 11 am on a Friday morning so i'll use a convinient escape route ...To Be Continued....hahaha

Why bad things happen to good people...or for my friend Mili

Why do bad things happen to good people?...One could argue that everybody has their share of problems...you can't really compare one person's load to another...there are no good or bad people etc...all extremely valid arguments im sure.
Here's mine:
Bad things happen to good people because they're just easier to pick on.
There. It had to be said.
Good people are the Labrador's of the universe. Bad people are the Pit bulls. So if you were the universe who would you pick on?
My point exactly.